It’s undeniable: the highlights of the year are always good for a nice, bust-out-the-smiles kind of story. But really, you wouldn’t be into popular music if you didn’t have a distinct sense of morbidity and cynicism. And you couldn’t be a morbid cynic if you weren’t at least a little fascinated by the mire into which the year in music, on more that one occasion, has sunk. With that in mind, Melophobe offers you the totally subjective, probably biased, quite certainly non–peer reviewed, Top 10 Lowlights of the Year in Music. And while we did sort of rank them, from moderately offensive to outright devastating, we’ll freely admit that we didn’t really take the trouble to put much thought into those rankings. So, with that said, if you disagree, feel free to let us know. You’re probably right.
April 16: Jay Reatard punches a fan in Memphis. (Toronto was last year) In all fairness, the dude probably had it coming. But sooner or later, this act has got to start wearing thin. Here’s a basic rule of thumb: if it didn’t work for Axl, it sure as hell isn’t going to work for you. Reatard.
May 28: Wavves melt down in Spain. No surprise here. You always had to figure that, deep down, they really kinda suck.
December 11: Kid Cudi pulls a Reatard in Vancouver. What’s worse, punching a Canadian fan, or punching a Canadian fan after Jay Reatard already pulled that shit last year and again in Memphis this year? Whatever. At least people will know who Kid Cudi is now. For the next three weeks, anyway.
January 27: Black Lips get naked, then get run out of India. Sure, it’s not quite Vegas, but really, you can get away with a lot of crazy shit in India. But there’s something about running around naked in a crowd that the local fuzz just doesn’t dig. On the bright side, having to sneak out the back with foreign law enforcement banging on the door is pretty punk rock. It doesn’t rank up there with Jim Morrison whipping out little Mr. Mojo Rising onstage in Miami, but a worthy effort nonetheless.
October 6: Jay Reatard has his band quit on him . . . and then he tweets about it. Well, you would probably quit on him, too. Anyone who doesn’t think this guy is a total jerkoff at this point is welcome to submit their argument in 17 words or less. Word is, there’s room for “boring rich kids who can’t play shit” in a certain Memphis psuedopunk’s traveling show. Sounds like some certain somebodies get to stop writing about music and start butchering it . . . .
January 27: Springsteen allows Working on a Dream to be released without cutting track 4. Don’t bother looking it up, we’ll save you the effort. It’s called “Queen of the Supermarket,” and it’s every bit as cheesy—nay, way more cheesy—than its uber-ridiculous title suggests. It’s been said that it’s the worst thing Springsteen has ever written. Now, we haven’t had the privilege of reading his fourth grade book reports, or even his awkward adolescent love letters, but even if we had, we’d probably be inclined to agree. Sorry, Boss.
June-July: Trent Reznor tweets about fat girls, quits twitter, rejoins twitter, quits again, generally looks like one of those superficial douchebags that Nails was meant to be a response to, back when Reznor was relevant. Yeah. Guess we kinda shot our wad on that headline. So . . . ’nuf said.
Various dates: Morrissey reveals himself as a whiney bitch. We already knew he was kind of a pussy. Really, you’d have to be to write all those sad and beautiful songs. But before 2009, it was possible to believe that he was an amicable sort of fellow. No longer. First, in April, Morrissey left the stage at Coachellla because some respectable, tax-paying sort of citizens decided to grill up some delicious grub nearby. Expressing his displeasure that they weren’t cooking human flesh—we’re seriously not making this up—the living legend up and walked off the stage. Then, in November, he pulled the same stunt after some unruly fan threw a bottle in his general direction during a performance. Granted, flying bottles can suck, but then, if he hadn’t gone all Chrissie Hynde at Coachella, maybe people would be a little more willing to cut him some slack.
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September 13: Kanye West earns a Presidential diss. Yeah, we all know by now that Kanye was kind of a dick to Taylor Swift, which might actually be fairly defensible to some of our readers. But a guy like Kanye making an ass out of himself on national TV, at whomever’s expense, is going to be good enough to make this list pretty much every year. But what really ices the cake is that, after the event, unaware—or unconcerned—that he was being recorded, President Obama stated, pretty bluntly, that the hip-hopster-in-chief is “a jackass.” Now, if we may editorialize: a) that’s gotta sting, and b) isn’t that just exactly why we all voted for him?
June 25: Michael Jackson looks his physician in the eye and says, “I’d like you to adjust my dosage.” Yep, that was a bad move, and now our heartbroken asses are gonna be nostalgic for 1982 for the rest of our lives. But seriously, the demise of the King of Pop looms so large in 2009 that someday we’ll be genuinely surprised when reminded that Jackson’s death was only the headliner of the Week When All the Famous People Died. I mean, we can mourn Michael Jackson until the cows come home, but shame on us if we ever, ever, forget Billy Mays and Farrah Fawcett. RIP, yo.
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